How Do You Know if Someone Is Under an Asian Spell?
Y'all're sitting in a beautiful bar with a cute Parisian you met on Tinder. He asks if yous're Japanese. Y'all've but heard this question a bajillion times, and then you but say no, you're Korean American. An hour later, he begins whispering sweetly to y'all… in Japanese. Maybe he just switches languages whenever he's drunk? The next morning, you detect a photography book of Asian women licking doorknobs on your before long-to-be ane-night stand's night stand. And finally, it clicks.
Dating outside of our race tin can be complicated for a diverseness of reasons, but that nagging question comes upward over and over again: practise they like me for me, or do they like me for what they think I represent? Nearly every Asian American woman I know has been fetishized in one way or another, and we're exposed to it now more than ever thanks to social media and online dating apps. Christina*, 30, says, "When I was on Tinder a few years agone, almost of the messages I would receive would be from white men who seemed to be only interested in the fact that I was Asian and therefore 'exotic' in their eyes."
Besides known equally "yellow fever," the Asian fetish is actually rooted in colonialism, military occupation, and sexual violence confronting women. And, of grade, racism: These stiff "preferences" are based on stereotypes about Asian women as docile and submissive, nonetheless hypersexual. And although there are certainly people who exoticize Asian men, more often than not Asian men are desexualized, while anti-Blackness pervades and white men are put on pedestals.
Of course, people from different racial or ethnic backgrounds can and should admittedly have 18-carat relationships with each other. The problem is that Asian fetishes are slightly more nuanced than the racialized catcalling and sexual harassment so many of united states of america are subject to on a daily footing. The dating scene oft leaves united states frustrated and paranoid, and unfortunately, society continues to gaslight women of color and insist these are merely "preferences, not fetishes."
We're here to tell you you're not being paranoid! Here are some common red flags y'all can lookout out for when dating, every bit well as some ways to respond. (Go along in mind that non everything on this listing is automatically an indication of fetishim, and that there are varying degrees of severity.)
i. Tells you straight up: "I love Asian women."
Why information technology's a red flag: This is the almost obvious, cocky-reporting sign of an Asian fetish, especially if they are pitting us against other women of dissimilar races and ethnicities. They are using "Asian" as a monolith and applying stereotypes to all of u.s., rather than seeing united states of america as individuals: nosotros are quieter, more sexually submissive, more petite, etc. Some even believe in the ridiculous myth that Asian women have tighter vaginas.
Jade*, 27, recalls, "It was articulate in the mode he spoke to me that he was assuming that I was some sort of closet sex freak, but also emphasized how quiet, shy, and dainty I was. And those things excited him fifty-fifty though I was not responding in ways that would've led him to those assumptions."
Meanwhile, women of the South Asian diaspora take to bargain with another layer of complexity. Jenny Singh*, 25, constantly has to deal with assumptions that she is sexually aggressive and "willing to do anything to please a homo" considering of the Western colonial misinterpretation of the Kama Sutra, as well as "viral videos online of the way women dance from my Indo-Caribbean area civilisation." This, of grade, has dangerous consequences. Jenny has been put in uncomfortable situations "where men don't enquire consent just believe it is their correct to touch my torso nonetheless they please."
By presuming to know who we are because of what we look like, the idea of "loving Asian women" is frequently a project of their oppressive and racist fantasies onto our bodies.
How to reply:
Past simply asking, "Why specifically Asian women?" and asking "why" over and over again, you lot can pick apart and expose those fantasies until they acknowledge to some kind of racist stereotype. At that point, we tin can all follow Jenny's example: "Most of the time, I relay my discomfort and drop the person."
ii. Tries to guess your ethnicity (then tells y'all why they were right OR that you don't expect ____ when they become it incorrect).
Why it's a blood-red flag: Trying to guess anyone's ethnicity is annoying and presumptuous at all-time, and a microaggression at worst. It'due south besides completely irrelevant to actually getting to know someone and judging compatibility on a date. As people of colour in the U.Due south., we have been subject to othering and the "Where are you from?" question our whole lives. Although genuine curiosity about a date'due south cultural background is valid and it can be brought upward respectfully within context, I prefer they wait until we bring it upwardly ourselves — which I almost always exercise anyway because my cultural identity is such a huge role of who I am. Only past assuming they can figure us out based on our advent, they rely entirely on stereotypes. A white man one time insisted that I have a "Chinese os construction" and that my ancestors must have recently come up to Korea from China. And although at that place is zippo wrong with either of these things being truthful, it but shows ignorance and arrogance, assertive they know better than we exercise. (Every bit if in that location aren't dozens of dissimilar ethnicities within Prc or as if Koreans have one specific type of os structure!)
How to respond: "Why practice yous think that?" Again, using the Socratic method of asking questions usually pinpoints the source of their biases. Mayhap their conceptions of what different Asians look like are based on what the media has spoon-fed them. Perhaps they grew up in a city where there are big Asian communities and they've adopted the nationalistic biases that so many Asians concur against each other. However, it is totally fine to simply say, "Yous're making judgments about me based on stereotypes, and that's wrong."
three. Speaks to y'all in any Asian language, completely unsolicited (whether they studied information technology extensively or not).
Why information technology's a red flag: The worst case scenario is that they are mocking Asian languages and putting on accents in a derogatory way. Stranger is the date who, like my Parisian, speaks to you in a completely different Asian language, even after you land that you lot don't understand it. Merely harder to estimate is the "well-intentioned" human action of actually trying to speak the linguistic communication of your cultural heritage. Is it a drastic and misguided effort to print you? Is information technology assuming that you want to speak in that language, know how to speak that language, or are more comfortable speaking in that language, even though you're American?
How to respond: If yous actually want to proceed the chat in that linguistic communication, perchance even test their linguistic prowess and show them up, go for information technology. But otherwise, repossess your space and tell them it would hurt your ears far less if they simply spoke in English.
four. Has appropriative Asian-themed tattoos.
Why it's a red flag: Why not-Asian people nevertheless do this is the real question. I'm talking Chinese or Japanese characters, geishas, samurais, yin-yang symbols, etc. Chances are your engagement chose these culturally and historically significant symbols purely for aesthetics, stripping abroad whatever significant and actual inquiry. And when nosotros consider the long history of Western colonization and militarism in the Due east (and everywhere else, actually) and anti-Asian xenophobia within the U.S., information technology's apparent they are claiming ownership of our cultures, and may be choosing us purely for aesthetics as well.
How to respond: "What was the inspiration behind that? Do you lot know the meaning or significance of that?" Maybe you lot'll find out that your engagement really has a "spiritual connectedness" to Asian cultures! Perchance your date can actually read kanji and that "pocket-sized bbq grill" tattoo is totally intentional.
5. Boasts about where they traveled to in Asia.
When it'south problematic: Immediately swipe left on pictures of not-Asian men wearing conical hats in China. All the same, if your otherwise "normal" date begins to wax philosophic about their travels in Asia to print yous, they may be harboring Western imperialistic ideals — bonus points for a white savior complex. For example, I dated a guy who constantly talked virtually his fourth dimension with the Peace Corps in Mongolia and had pictures of himself surrounded past smile Mongolian children.
Andi*, 29, adds that they especially hate when men "tell y'all they've visited a 'less pop' or 'less traveled' destination like Thailand. I kid y'all non — I've heard this more than 30 times. [Or] they use the term 'less developed.' That really makes me want to either throw myself or them down a spiral of never-ending stairs."
How to answer: "What drew yous to that specific office of the world?" Enquire your date questions to determine whether they are actually aware of the mail service-colonial continuum and actively fighting against white supremacy, or simply maintaining it.
vi. Has a history of exclusively dating Asian women.
When it's problematic: Kickoff, nosotros should get something out of the manner: dating pools are often limited based on locations, and not-Asians who live in predominantly Asian areas generally get a pass (unless they practise something else on this list, in which case, abort mission!). Information technology'southward actively seeking out someone of a specific race or ethnicity without getting to know them as individuals that is agonizing and dehumanizing. A college friend recalls a white student who "went to every Asian cultural club to telescopic out women, [and] it was very obvious and very weird."
How to respond: "What attracted you to the women you lot've dated before?" If his answer has anything to practice with them being Asian, the chances of him applying those aforementioned expectations onto you lot are high. Only if his answer is 18-carat, at that place is hope he won't fetishize you lot!
While we're on the topic of blood-red flags, it'south important to note that our allure to white people is not a fetish, merely a contrary power dynamic that exists because they are the beauty standard gild has forced down our throats. However, internalized racism and social power exist in the Asian community every bit well, and nosotros ourselves need to stop elevating whiteness and excluding Blackness and Brown men.
Finally, we must recognize that beautiful and genuine relationships exist across all spectrums of race, gender, and sexuality, and we shouldn't exist aback of dating outside of our race or be branded a race traitor either. As someone who is now in a healthy, long-term interracial relationship, hindsight is twenty/20. I tin't help but look back and want to shake 21-yr-old me by the shoulders and yell, "Y'all should accept left after he began speaking to you in Japanese!" Once more, trust your gut.
It's exhausting being a woman of colour. So if it's too much emotional labor for you to have these conversations or if you don't feel safe enough to push dorsum, that'southward okay too. The dating scene is complicated, and at times demoralizing, but your Mochi sisters want you lot to feel informed, empowered, and badass going forrad!
Some tips for dating safety: Don't requite out your last name, specific details regarding your job, or your abode address. Before going on a date, always text a friend where y'all'll be and enquire them to check in with y'all regularly. Encounter in a bright, busy place. If something feels off, don't move forrad! Never exist afraid to leave a bad date.
*Due to the recent rise in anti-Asian hate crimes (and given the nature of white supremacy and fragile masculinity), names have been changed to protect the privacy and prophylactic of the writer and interview subjects.
Photo credit: Waldemar Brandt//Unsplash
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Seiryun Song
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Source: https://www.mochimag.com/lifestyle/relationships/6-ways-to-know-your-date-has-an-asian-fetish/
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